Choice Challenge: Use Words
Updated: Nov 5
Choice Challenge: Use Words #2
When children do not have words, they use actions. Grabbing, hitting, yelling, or shutting down. "Use your words" only works if we give them the words and a simple pattern to follow.
In the Choice Challenge, we teach a 3-step formula that helps children speak up with clarity and kindness.
The formula:
1. Say the person's name.
2. Say what you do not like.
3. Say why it hurt your body or your feelings.
For example:
"Joey, I don't like it when you take my pen. It hurts my feelings."
"Joey, I don't like it when you push me. It hurts my body."
This pattern does three powerful things:
1. It recognizes the other person as a human being (their name).
2. It names the action clearly (what you do not like).
3. It connects the action to impact (how it hurts body or feelings).
Instead of exploding or shutting down, children learn to build a bridge with words.
Why this matters for behavior
When a child cannot name a struggle, their body does the talking. This is a gap in their learning. The 3-step formula is how we fill it. Not by forcing a child to perform, but by giving them a script they can lean on until the words become their own.
Using words is a better choice because it protects bodies and feelings, makes it easier for adults to help, builds compassion as children hear how their actions affect others, and creates a shared language for problem-solving.
Over time, children begin to use this pattern on their own, even across languages and cultures.
I have taught in classrooms with children from six continents, sometimes at the same time, who use these words to connect. Different backgrounds and cultures are able to ground in the basics of what use words does. This approach works regardless of cultural differences, drawn from years of experience in diverse classrooms.
Modeling the choice
On the first day of school, do not lecture. Ask, "Is hitting okay?" Let the children explain why. If yes, ask why? Hitting a ball is awesome if we hit a home run in baseball. If no, ask why? Hitting someone can hurt them.
The students lay the ground work of examples. Or, with guided practice learn when hitting is okay and not. This sets up for the three step formula.
Adults model this too. When we are frustrated, we can say:
"Joey, I don't like it when you shout over me. It hurts my ears and makes it hard to listen."
We show that feelings are okay, that words can be strong and kind at the same time, and that we can talk about hard things without attacking the person.
A simple takeaway
Next time there is a conflict, instead of "use your words," try this:
"Let's use our 3 steps."
Coach them until they master the steps.
Praise any attempt: "You used your words. This is a better choice."
Every time a child uses the 3 steps without being prompted, a gap gets filled. Filling gaps or holes, as referenced in the blog What is the Choice Challenge? is practice.
Practice builds choice fitness.
Using words is not about being "nice" all the time. This is about being clear and kind to stay connected. Can build trust for future interactions.
Why nice is not nice
Nice is about demeanor - being pleasant, polite, or agreeable in the moment. It is often surface-level and can be performative or motivated by a desire to be liked.
Kind is about action and intention - genuine care for someone's well-being, often expressed through concrete acts of help or honest feedback, even when it's uncomfortable.
Take away: you can be nice without being kind (smiling while tearing up someone's mail), and you can be kind without being nice (telling a hard truth that causes short-term pain but serves someone's long-term good). This is a choice.
Kindness is deeper, more intentional, and harder to fake. In a world of nice people, be kind.
Choice Challenge Guide will be released in eBook and paperback. You will have the option to download for free by signing up or buy online. The choice is yours :)
About the author
Patience Filippo is a children's author, artist, educator, and veteran with decades of classroom experience. She created the Choice Challenge: Poor to Better Decisions for Everyday Behavior to help children and grown-ups be better humans, one better choice at a time. The Choice Challenge is the framework behind My Teacher Is Not an Octopus, a self-regulating behavior management book for early learners. Begin at birth. Grow into lifelong learning.
Motto: Empowering happiness through literacy.
Find Patience online https://linktr.ee/askmisspatience
Copyright © 2016, 2026 Patience Filippo / Illustrations © 2014 Jason Squadrito / Art and Design © 2026 Patience Filippo
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