What is the Choice Challenge?
Updated: Nov 5
Welcome to an introduction to the Choice Challenge
Hope you enjoyed Joey's journey with Miss Patience in My Teacher is NOT an Octopus: self-regulating behavior management book.
The blogs are set up to extend definitions and provide 18 additional activities for children to employ more practice as they learn and grow in the decisions they make.
Even if instructed to not hit, kick, or whatever the choice might be. It is important to outline from a beginners mind when introducing the Choice Challenge.
The idea is to start from the basics of what a child knows. This may disrupt their thinking about a good and or bad behavior.
Such as, "Is hitting a poor or better choice?"
Some children will say poor. Some will say better.
Why?
This depends on the perspective of the person being asked. Unifying the choice information is key to the kick off of what is the Choice Challenge.
Hitting can be either poor or a better choice. Poor if it includes hitting a person. But, when playing ball, hitting is a better choice. The harder the better if this action involved a home run and the team scores.
Regardless of the child through adult's background, we have ideas of what bad and good are. Using the words poor and better are already disrupting the mind from the "negative and positive" mindset.
The idea is basic
We start here and we move forward. There's not jumping back and forth. Progressive steps in the better direction.
The child agrees the better choice that was modeled is resulting in, lets say, having more fun. Fun is a huge motivator and is incorporated in the challenge choices as you will find out.
Remove the shame from choices to being empowered to make a decision about what to do next or how to amend a decision creates a mindset of owning not blaming.
Yup, I did this or that. I take responsibility for my actions.
This all begins with six choices. I know, sounds too simple to be true. The articles will not include all the examples of proof of how these choices do work. But, the guide will have many.
The guide will be available several ways
In exchange for signing up with an email so we can stay in touch. No spam. An occasional note about a new book or cool stuff happening, like signings, and tour stops. Some will be at peoples homes, like house concerts, but with an author and sometimes the dynamic duo including the illustrator.
An ebook and print version will be made available, too, for purchase.
We are a small press
We are doing our best to make and offer the best tools for you, the reader and choice champion!
It is the hope of all those who encouraged publishing Joey's story and other tales yet to come including the guide will empower happiness through literacy. One story and decision at a time.
Along the process of creating the stories and guide as a full time educator, there was a LOT of push back about the contrast between poor and bad, and good and better.
Until the results changed hearts and minds.
It is my hope to help define these in simple employable terms for anyone not in my classroom or volunteers helping with our donation garden and activities.
Beginning with Joey's story with Miss Patience because it is my experience children understand the impact of a poor to better verses bad and good choice simpler than an adult with embedded ideals.
Example
A pastor who's wife had passed away wanted to know more about the Choice Challenge and Joey's story. He reflected on he and his wife's parenting style and was offended. He stated using "bad and good" were how "they" did it.
I felt for his loss. Said, "You're not the audience this is intended for." The story and Choice Challenge are intended for anyone and everyone Joey's story might impact.
The pastor's feelings were about his departed spouse and holding onto something very important to him and their relationship, the children they shared a life together raising. Who grew up into grounded adults. Faith is a big part of their life. This is not true for everyone.
This is not an approach meant to shame parents on methods they have used that they deem worked for them in their parenting strategy.
What I did not say at the time is, no one is good.
You could say this to a pastor because it will jog their memory of what the bible says.
For anyone who does not know what the faith book says I will share. This is for the example.
Not attempting to convert anyone who does not agree with this particular faith practice.
The purpose of this example is to demonstrate that even a pastor can make mistakes based on their core beliefs that contradict their choices. No one is perfect.
Everyone falls short at one time or another.
Three parallel passages:
Mark 10:18 — "Jesus answered him, 'Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone.'"
Luke 18:19 — Same wording: "No one is good but God alone."
Matthew 19:17 — Slightly different phrasing: "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only One who is good."
All three are the same encounter with the rich young ruler. Learn more about the story by searching for the verses.
Bottom line
You may not agree with the poor to better steps. The purpose is to demonstrate a method that changes the lives of the most challenged children, like Joey.
This method and the six decisions can be life changing for some. These are my people. Children like I was or the many students who came through my classroom to become happier more confident little humans. Each with a different struggle or goal.
Through teamwork and support recognize how impactful this simple to employ method can be.
So, if you are one of the dissenter's to the method upon attempting to use the steps or prefer not at all, okay. Do what you have always done. Kumbaya. Keep on going and doing.
If you are someone who is enthusiastic or cautious to try something new, looking for solutions, this might be your nirvana. Not perfect outcomes, but progressive sanctification of choices toward raising healthy happy adults.
Either way, this is your choice.
If you find something not working stay tuned
The goal is to grow the challenge reach and over time the community can share examples and we can build the best results through teamwork. Not isolated to what some person said in an article or story and suddenly the world of behavior management is different.
This method is based on decades as an educator and volunteer leader. Did not start at the Choice Challenge, but the four L's. More about this journey in the guide.
Including childhood experiences with the adults, like Miss Patience, who supported choices and a myriad of examples that might fit your need. This will include the stories we collect from readers, like you, that wish to share.
Together, teamwork makes the dream work.
For this blog, wanted to offer a bit of history with examples before diving into why you are here like, I need better definitions for the six choices and am excited to try more activities.
Again, welcome, and hope these blogs support your goals empowering happiness through literacy and help your Joey or Patience grow to make the best decisions.
Results
The smiles on the faces of the most challenged to the most liberated students who returned to visit; testimonies from countless parents and educators who welcomed their new students fresh from a year or more of the method employed; to the leadership who managed the ecosystem of schools and classrooms ... this was the encouragement that led me here, the story of Joey and to this blog.
The biggest challenge made me laugh, but not so much the parents. The children were explaining the choices to their parents and sometimes much to their chagrin. During the midsts of their own behavior their child contrasted it to the choice challenge.
Most young children want to make better choices when given a chance. The Choice Challenge is the opportunity.
This can infuriate adults or make them glad and decide maybe a switch of language is the best course of action. When it means children can succeed and not be impacted by believing they are bad. It is the choice they make that is poor. Shame is not working.
For some parents the use bad or good did not work the same once the child found a tool for making better decisions.
Results become the goal to support the children to be their best. Over time stars of examples like, owning and rethinking behavior is key to a happy family and classroom.
We begin with Joey's story. Not a guide
It is my experience a child picks up the desired results much faster with the story. And use of the six choices with practice. Begin repeating the choice steps to a parent who sometimes misses the mark. Maybe they do not use their words or rethink.
A child who points this out might get blow back. But the miraculous notice can be, the parent sees and hears the child using the choice challenge steps to make better choices. And, it is up to us to support them with owning our behavior. Together, they walk side by side making new decisions.
Push back can be, go with the results - we want the child to own their actions. Or, stick to your laurels and force compliance to how we demand behavior results.
Adult's who are grounded in their experiences. Repeat the behavior management strategy learned growing up. Or developed by some modern notion of, 'this is how we do it now because some guru published a method'.
This can all be true. And, it is up to the adults to weigh the results and decide their method of best approach.
Resist the child's desire to make better decisions or find a balanced approach that teamwork can employ.
The goal
Empowering children to make decisions that build to successful productive happy adult life. Not a referendum on parents. Though, if they enjoy the book and want to learn and choose new ways of making choices the results might be a reflection some grown ups struggle with.
This is part of the discovery process. There is no one way or right way. Explore the choices. Enjoy the books, as there are more coming for the Nurture Learner Series. See how it goes.
Together, teamwork makes the dream work. A society that is kind, generous, and capable of living a life that is grounded in ownership of outcomes is not some utopian ideal. I use to ask for the children who struggled the most to be in my class. Seeing them graduate with huge smiles and happy parents plus hearing stories of what their new teachers shared meant the world to me.
The thought we want less for our children or ourselves is difficult to imagine.
Where to begin?
Having a place to start or reboot is worth a shot. There is zero to lose. Everything to gain.
The one issue that could not be solved is - when the challenge does not work for someone modeling is it a mistake to try?
No. Is there a misunderstanding, possibly. Identifying holes is key.
Everyone's cumulative outcomes will have different experiences. This is part of the process.
Based on experiences, like with the pastor, believe at least two types of feedback will result ... criticism of the method for reasons the person can share, and or reach out asking questions based on what did not work or to find out ideas to increase better choice outcomes. Then, there are those who will share how their family or class embraces the method or adds their take and we all learn ideas to try together.
They may mix their old way of behavior management with the new way. Or tried a modification and when it did not work gave up and blamed the challenge and the author.
Using these moments of feedback and questions to address the team of readers is important.
This may include future blogs with Q and A's aka questions and answers. A mini podcast and live events to hear readers in real time and answer, then preserve the solutions for future inquiry. Speaking events at schools and teacher events. The ideas seem endless for what is possible.
This is the part of the journey that is unknown. Feedback, one to five star reviews and everything in between will assist in crafting methods to dialog.
There is no one size fits all. Being open is key to making the best choices for what comes next. Including responding to readers and Choice Challenge enthusiasts.
Hope you find support and encouragement in the following and all blogs included in the extension of the story of Joey and how he learned to make a better choice with Miss Patience.
Teamwork makes the dream work!
What is the Choice Challenge?
Prerequisite: read My Teacher is NOT an Octopus: self-regulating behavior management book from the Nurture Learner Series for context in examples.
There is no such thing as a "bad child." There are only poor choices and better choices. This is the whole system in one sentence. And it changes everything.
When we say "you are being bad," the child hears one of two thoughts. They know their action is a poor choice, or they believe "I am bad." The label sticks inside the wall of their heart. Shame shuts down the brain. Learning stops. The child stops trying because they have concluded the outcome is already decided.
When we say "this was a poor choice," the child hears "I can do better." The door stays open. The next choice is still available. This is the difference between a dead end and a launch pad.
What it is:
The Choice Challenge is a behavior management system built on six core decisions. Not rules. Choices. Skills a child learns, practices, and owns.
1. Follow Directions - Act when asked, without reminders.
2. Use Words - Name it, say it, and explain how it hurt.
3. Own Behavior - "I apologize for ___." Acknowledge a choice and resolve.
4. Wait and Take Turns - "Not now. When I am finished, you can have it." Or, say no.
5. Breathe and Calm - First we breathe and we calm. Then we talk.
6. Rethink - "My first choice was ___, (and name why). My new better choice is ___."
Six choices. This is the starting line. Not the finish line.
This is not the end of the list
Every day, new options can appear based on the circumstance. A child discovers that spitting is a poor choice they had not considered. A teenager realizes there is a better option, and this is their choice. An adult catches themselves saying "you are so annoying" instead of "I am frustrated, and here is what I need."
The system does not end at six. It grows every time someone names a new choice and picks a better one.
The six choices are the frame. The content keeps changing. The skill stays the same: see the choice, name it, pick a better one.
What this removes
Shame. The "I am bad" story. The sticker chart some children perceive as their worth is conditional. The time-out that says "you are the problem", to them. Many scenarios of internalized value born from believing bad is who someone is, not the decision itself.
The Choice Challenge says- you are not the problem. The decision was. Let us find a better one.
Create belief in change
Full accountability results in a consequence. Confronting the poor choice, rethinking, owning it with an apology, and making amends. Like Joey, opening the door to making a new decision can be a process.
The child names the choice. The child picks the next one. The adult models the same process out loud, in real time, with their own poor choices and better ones. This is how a child learns grown-ups are not perfect either. They keep doing their best to choose better when intentional modeling occurs.
Why it works: The Swiss Cheese Theory
Children through adults can have holes in their learning. This may be a lack of understanding about how to choose patience, or how to calm down when angry, or how to use words instead of hitting. These holes are where poor choices fall through.
Our job is not to yell at the child for falling through the hole. Our job is to fill the hole with a better choice. We do this through clear modeling and consistent practice.
Example, when we see a hole, like a child who does not know how to wait their turn teach them the skill of boundary setting by wait and take turns. How to say, "Not now, I am using it," or "No." We fill this hole with a better choice, making the child more whole.
A humongous problem hindering children learning how to create and manage boundaries starts with adults insisting children allow others to take their belongings. Hug them when their body says no or I am afraid or do not want to, and many other examples.
Recognizing this is a short group of examples is not dismissive of the need to learn how to be kind with oneself and others.
This said, boundary lessons begin early in life. A small child who is taught they must hand over anything, or an adult does not share in the same immediate fashion imposed on them when they want something, to the child, is confusing when they emerge as adults who struggle with boundary setting. Especially when they believe to be liked they must say yes to dangerous choices.
Lessons from childhood that may internalize will influence adult choices. Let us begin early :)
I did not invent the Swiss Cheese idea from scratch.
A psychologist named Urie Bronfenbrenner spent his career studying how children grow, and he found that no single thing shapes a child in isolation. He called it a set of nested systems. The immediate people around a child, the connections between those people, the broader culture, and time itself. His big insight: when one layer breaks down, the others feel it.
This is where PILES comes in. Physical, Intellectual, Language, Emotional, and Social. Think of them like the five senses of learning. You need all five to navigate the world. But two of them are locked together, the way your nose and tongue work as a pair. Most of what you "taste" is actually smell. If your nose is blocked, your tongue cannot do its job. If your tongue cannot process what is in front of it, your nose has no signal to trust. They depend on each other.
The same is true for Emotional and Social in PILES. When someone struggles with emotional regulation, they struggle socially. And when they struggle socially, their emotions get more chaotic. They feed each other. This is why building the six choice muscles with practice matters. This is how we fill those gaps. How we close the holes.
Bronfenbrenner called the daily back-and-forth between a child and their world proximal processes. This is a fancy way of saying the nose and tongue aka social and emotional learning are at work, checking in with the environment, filling the holes, and telling the rest of the body it is safe to move forward. Or not.
How it works in practice:
You do not need a program. You need a language.
"This was a poor choice. What is a better one?" Two sentences. Works for a three-year-old to an 18-year-old. Worked in a classroom of students from six continents from different backgrounds when I taught full time. Works at the kitchen table at 9 pm when you are both tired and the dishes are still in the sink.
With ownership, we reflect. We look at the choice we made, the circumstances it created, and the people it touched. Then we pick a new one. Not because we were punished. Because we can when our core desire for kindness and connection are employed.
This is the Choice Challenge. Not a system to install. A practice to build. Filling the holes. Building choice fitness. One better choice at a time.
Where to go next:
If you have not already, read the book: My Teacher Is Not an Octopus: Self-Regulating Behavior Management Book with the class or your child.
Choice Challenge Guide will be released in eBook and paperback. You will have the option to download for free by signing up or buy online.
The choice is yours :)
Read the blogs - Six choice extensions and six activity posts here at www.askmisspatience.com.
Try one new choice today. Just one. See what happens.
If you have a success story or are feeling challenged, write this down and get in touch. These notes will help a lot of people if we work together to share our experiences to find better solutions together.
You are not alone. Teamwork makes the dream work!
About the author
Patience Filippo is a children's author, artist, educator, and veteran with decades of classroom experience. While teaching full time created the Choice Challenge: Poor to Better Decisions for Everyday Behavior to help children and grown-ups be better humans, one choice at a time. The Choice Challenge is the framework behind My Teacher Is Not an Octopus, a self-regulating behavior management book for early learners. Begin at birth. Grow into lifelong learning.
Motto: Empowering happiness through literacy.
Find Patience online https://linktr.ee/askmisspatience
