Choice Challenge: Own Behavior
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Choice Challenge: Own Behavior #3
Own behavior is not about shaming a child. This is about helping children say, "I made a poor choice, and I can choose better." In the Choice Challenge, help the child understand choices that are poor, better, and why. Teach apologies as a brave, better action.
We focus on the behavior, not the child.
The message is: this choice missed the mark. The child is still whole.
Why this matters for behavior
When a child makes a choice that is a poor choice, they do not always know it is poor until we explain why. This is a gap in their learning. The 3-step formula from Use Words helps them name the action. "I apologize for ___" is how we close the gap. Not by making the child feel small through shaming them.
When a child says, "But they started it!" Even though this may appear to be true to the affected child, both children are responsible to communicate the challenge phrases. This teaches compassion. It is not about assuming the other person meant to be hurtful or overstep boundaries.
The 3-step formula works for both children. Each has an opportunity to communicate clear meaning to their experience. This is basic communication skill we use throughout our lives.
Example in action
The child who was affected:
"Theodore, I don't like when you take my crayon. It hurts my feelings."
The child who took the crayon:
"Zach, I apologize for taking the crayon. I did not know you were still using it. Can I borrow the crayon when you are finished using it?"
Dialog continues:
"Yes, Theo."
"How long will you need it for, Zach?"
Zach can respond with, "Five minutes," or, "I'm done now."
The other scenario is Zach prefers not sharing his crayon. In this case, depending on the circumstances, many options are available. Helping Theodore find crayons he likes. Maybe he ran out of this color. Help him make a note to remind his family to send a new crayon in his favorite color. He can ask someone else to borrow their crayon in this color.
The main takeaway is boundaries are as important as taking turns and patience in waiting. Sharing is not mandatory. Learning the skill of making boundaries begins in small ways. Wait and take turns is an opportunity to exercise learning this skill. Though this skill is not included in the six choices, it is built within the structure to begin learning how to exercise this building block of relationship and lifelong learning skills.
Both children own their part. Assumptions about why something happened are dismantled because each person has a part in the communication. This is the whole system in one moment between two people of any age. Using the person's name, a clear fact of what happened, and a clear understanding of what it did—hurt a feeling or the body—is the base coat of lifelong communication skills.
Owning behavior and the other choices go hand in hand
The child who made the poor choice does not stop at "I apologize." They also use words to explain the fact of what happened and why. This opens the door to intent. In my experience, most children who use the Choice Challenge on a regular basis do not assume the other child meant to be hurtful. This in and of itself lowers the temperature before the 3-step formula exchange arrives. The child who is affected by the action also uses words to respond. This is a two-way exchange, not a one-way correction.
Consider one common moment: one child takes a crayon the other is still using.
Use Words (#2): The child who was affected uses the 3-step formula: "I don't like when you take my crayon. It hurts my feelings."
Own Behavior (#3): "I apologize for taking the crayon. I did not know you were still using it."
Wait and Take Turns (#4): The child who was affected could also say: "Not now. When I am finished, you can have it." This prevents the poor choice before it happens. The child who took the crayon is learning to hear "not now" and wait.
Rethink (#6): "My first choice was taking the crayon. My new better choice is asking first."
One moment. Four choices working together.
The child who took the crayon owns the behavior, uses words, and rethinks. The child who was affected uses words and practices waiting. Both children are building choice fitness in the same exchange.
This is how the system multiplies. A single poor choice becomes a teaching moment for multiple skills at once. See blogs for the following choices or sign up to download the full Choice Challenge Guide: Choice #2: Use Words, Choice #4: Wait and Take Turns, and Choice #6: Rethink to learn more about how each one supports this exchange.
How the other choices support own behavior
Owning behavior does not happen in a vacuum.
The other five choices create the conditions for it:
Breathe and Calm (#5) — A child who is still in fight-or-flight cannot own their behavior. They need to breathe first. See Choice #5: Breathe and Calm to learn how to help a child regulate before they are ready to reflect.
Rethink (#6) — Once the child is calm and has named the poor choice, Rethink is where they move forward. "My first choice was ___. My new better choice is ___." See Choice #6: Rethink to learn how to guide a child from obstacle to open door.
Wait and Take Turns (#4) — A poor choice can begin with a sharing conflict. See Choice #4: Wait and Take Turns to learn how teaching patience prevents the poor choice before it happens.
Follow Directions (#1) — A child who is following directions is less likely to make a poor choice in the first place. The Treasure Hunt Method and the chant create a structure where children know what is expected. See Choice #1: Follow Directions to learn how to build that structure.
Use Words (#2) — As shown above, the 3-step formula is the language that makes an apology specific. Without it, "I apologize" is vague. With it, the other child knows what happened. They can agree on a new choice together. See Choice #2: Use Words to learn the full 3-step formula.
All six choices are a collaborative learning experience. They partner with each other on most occasions.
Modeling the choice
On the first day of school, I did not lecture rules. During circle time, I would overview the Choice Challenge by asking open-ended questions like, "Is hitting okay?" And I let the children tell me why.
This is the 3-step formula in reverse. We work together on what words mean and the poor and better choices that follow from them. All of this is done without value judgment. A choice is poor when we define it as such. A choice is better when the poor choice is replaced with a better one, followed by actions that show the meaning is understood.
Adults model this, too.
When an adult makes a poor choice, the pattern is the same:
"I apologize for [action]. This is a poor choice because [reason]. My new decision is [better choice]."
For example, an adult who speaks too quickly during a transition might say:
"I apologize for rushing. This is a poor choice because it does not give everyone time to be ready. My new decision is to pause and wait."
The child watches an adult name the action, state the fact, and pick a new decision. No feelings. No excuses. Just the pattern. This is how a child learns that grown-ups are not perfect either. They just keep choosing better.
A simple takeaway
Next time there is a conflict, instead of telling a child to apologize, ask :
"What was the poor choice?"
"What can you apologize for?"
"What better choice can you make next time?"
Then guide the other child to respond using words:
"How did this affect you?""What would you like to happen next time?"
Every time a child says "I apologize for ___" without being prompted, a gap gets filled. Filling gaps or holes, as explained in the blog "What is the Choice Challenge?" and the Choice Challenge guide, is practice. Practice builds choice fitness.
Shame tells a child they are the problem. This strategy tells them the action is.
When we separate the two, we remove the hurdle that keeps a child from growing. We target the action. We support the child to recognize their choices. And we help them grow into a thoughtful, kind, healthy lifelong learner.
Choice Challenge Guide will be released in eBook and paperback. You will have the option to download for free by signing up or buy online. The choice is yours :)
About the author
Patience Filippo is a children's author, artist, educator, and veteran with decades of classroom experience. She created the Choice Challenge: Poor to Better Decisions for Everyday Behavior to help kids and grown-ups be better humans, one better choice at a time. The Choice Challenge is the framework behind My Teacher Is Not an Octopus, a self-regulating behavior management picture book for early learners. Begin at birth. Grow into lifelong learning.
Motto: Empowering happiness through literacy.
Find Patience online https://linktr.ee/askmisspatience
