Choice Challenge: Use Words
Updated: 1 day ago
Choice Challenge: Use Words #2 (The 3-Step Formula)
When children do not have words, they use actions. Grabbing, hitting, yelling, or shutting down. "Use your words" only works if we give them the words and a simple pattern to follow. In the Choice Challenge, we teach a 3-step formula that helps children speak up with clarity and kindness.
The formula:
1. Say the person's name.
2. Say what you do not like.
3. Say why it hurt your body or your feelings.
For example:
"Joey, I don't like it when you take my pen. It hurts my feelings."
"Joey, I don't like it when you push me. It hurts my body."
This pattern does three powerful things:
1. It recognizes the other person as a human being (their name).
2. It names the action clearly (what you do not like).
3. It connects the action to impact (how it hurts body or feelings).
Instead of exploding or shutting down, children learn to build a bridge with words.
Why this matters for behavior
When a child cannot name a struggle, their body does the talking. This is a gap in their learning. The 3-step formula is how we fill it. Not by forcing a child to perform, but by giving them a script they can lean on until the words become their own.
Using words is a better choice because it protects bodies and feelings, makes it easier for adults to help, builds compassion as children hear how their actions affect others, and creates a shared language for problem-solving. Over time, children begin to use this pattern on their own, even across languages and cultures. I have taught classrooms with children from six continents who use these words to connect. This approach works regardless of cultural differences, drawn from years of experience in diverse classrooms.
Modeling the choice
On the first day of school, I do not lecture. I ask. "Is hitting okay?" And I let the kids tell me why. This is the 3-step formula in reverse. I am giving them the words before they need them.
Adults model this too. When we are frustrated, we can say:
"Joey, I don't like it when you shout over me. It hurts my ears and makes it hard to listen."
We show that feelings are okay, that words can be strong and kind at the same time, and that we can talk about hard things without attacking the person.
A simple takeaway
Next time there is a conflict, instead of "use your words," try this:
"Let's use our 3 steps.
Coach them through: name, what you do not like, why it hurts.
Praise any attempt: "You used your words. This is a better choice."
Every time a child uses the 3 steps without being prompted, a gap gets filled. Filling gaps or holes, as referenced in the blog "What is the Choice Challenge?", is practice. Practice builds choice fitness.
Using words is not about being "nice" all the time. This is about being honest, clear, and kind. So, we can stay connected, even when something hurts.
Choice Challenge Guide will be released in eBook and paperback. You will have the option to download for free by signing up or buy online. The choice is yours :)
About the author
Patience Filippo is a children's author, artist, educator, and veteran with decades of classroom experience. She created the Choice Challenge: Poor to Better Decisions for Everyday Behavior to help kids and grown-ups be better humans, one better choice at a time. The Choice Challenge is the framework behind My Teacher Is Not an Octopus, a self-regulating behavior management picture book for early learners. Begin at birth. Grow into lifelong learning.
Motto: Empowering happiness through literacy.
Find Patience online https://linktr.ee/askmisspatience
