Choice Challenge: Wait & Take Turns
Updated: 1 day ago
Choice Challenge: Wait & Take Turns (IS Sharing) #4
A child is holding a toy like it is the last slice of pizza. Another child is behind them, hand out, waiting. Both children need to believe they matter because they do. This is what Wait and Take Turns is about.
Sharing is not "give it up right now." Real sharing includes the right to say "not now" and the skill of waiting. In the Choice Challenge, waiting and taking turns is sharing.
Many conflicts start when a child is forced to hand something over before they are ready. They feel disrespected and powerless.
When we give them language like:
"Not now. When I am finished, you can have it."
We protect their sense of ownership and teach them to share with respect.
Why this matters for behavior
When a child is forced to hand something over before they are ready, the problem is not an inability to share or wait. The problem is that the skill has not been taught. No one has shown how to say "not now." They did not learn what patience means, yet.
This is a gap in their learning, as explained in the blog What is the Choice Challenge? and the Choice Challenge guide. Filling this gap is practice. Practice builds choice fitness.
Example in action
The child holding the toy:
"Theodore, not now. When I am finished, you can have it."
The child waiting:
"Okay. How long will you need it for?"
The child holding the toy:
"Five more minutes."
The child waiting:
"Okay, I will wait."
Both children are using words. Both children are practicing a skill.
The other scenario: the child holding the toy does not want to share at all.
The child holding the toy: "No. I am not sharing this today."
The adult responds by helping the waiting child find another option. A different toy. A different activity. The child who said "no" is practicing a boundary. The child who waits their turn is practicing patience and flexibility.
Boundaries are as important as taking turns and patience in waiting. Sharing is not mandatory. Learning the skill of making boundaries begins in small ways. The Choice Challenge skill, wait and take turns is an opportunity to exercise this skill. Though boundaries are not one of the six choices, this skill is built within the structure to begin learning how to exercise this building block of relationship and lifelong learning skills.
Wait and take turns and the other choices go hand in hand
The child who says "not now" is using words. The child who waits is breathing and calming. The adult who coaches both is following directions (staying with the plan) and modeling. This is not one skill. This is a cluster.
Consider one common moment: one child is using a toy and another wants a turn.
Use Words (#2):
The child who is waiting uses the 3-step formula: "Theodore, I don't like when you say no and do not give me a time. It hurts my feelings."
Wait and Take Turns (#4):
The child holding the toy says: "Not now. When I am finished, you can have it." Or: "No. I am not sharing this today."
Breathe and Calm (#5):
The child who is waiting takes a breath before grabbing or yelling. This is the pause that keeps the exchange from becoming a fight.
Own Behavior (#3):
If the waiting child did grab, the pattern is: "I apologize for grabbing the toy. I did not know you were not finished. My new decision is to ask first."
Rethink (#6):
"My first choice was grabbing. My new better choice is asking and waiting."
One moment. Five choices working together. The child who was holding the toy practices boundaries. The child who was waiting practices patience, uses words, breathes, owns the grab if it happened, and rethinks. Both children are building choice fitness in the same exchange.
This is how the system multiplies. A single sharing moment becomes a teaching moment for multiple skills at once. See blogs for the following choices or sign up to download the full Choice Challenge Guide: Choice #2: Use Words, Choice #3: Own Behavior, Choice #5: Breathe and Calm, and Choice #6: Rethink to learn more about how each one supports this exchange.
How the other choices support wait and take turns
Wait and take turns does not happen in a vacuum. The other five choices create the conditions for it:
Breathe and Calm (#5) — Waiting is hard when a child is frustrated. The breath is what keeps the hand from grabbing.
See Choice #5: Breathe and Calm to learn how to help a child regulate before the waiting becomes a fight.
Use Words (#2) — "Not now. When I am finished, you can have it." is a sentence. It is the 3-step formula in its simplest form.
See Choice #2: Use Words to learn the full 3-step formula.
Own Behavior (#3) — If a child did grab, the apology is how the cycle stops. "I apologize for grabbing. My new decision is to ask first."
See Choice #3: Own Behavior to learn how to guide a child through the apology without shame.
Follow Directions (#1) — The agreed-upon turn structure is a direction. "When the timer is done, it is the next person's turn." Following this direction is the skill.
See Choice #1: Follow Directions to learn how to build the structure.
Rethink (#6) — After the moment passes, the child can look back. "My first choice was grabbing. My new better choice is asking." This is how the lesson sticks.
See Choice #6: Rethink to learn how to guide a child from obstacle to open door.
All six choices are a collaborative learning experience. They partner with each other on most occasions.
A simple takeaway
Children need consistent practice with this strategy before the skills become automatic.
Each child experiences social-emotional development at different speeds and levels. As a group, the skill development can advance together with the greatest amount of daily practice. When each child is using the choices consistently in interaction with the others, adjustments can be made as the child matures. But the foundation is built through repetition of the simple form.
Every time a child says "not now" without a meltdown, and every time a child waits without a grab, a gap gets filled. Filling gaps or holes, as explained in the blog "What is the Choice Challenge?" and the Choice Challenge guide, is practice. Practice builds choice fitness.
Waiting and taking turns is sharing. This is how we teach children to respect themselves and each other at the same time.
Choice Challenge Guide will be released in eBook and paperback. You will have the option to download for free by signing up or buy online. The choice is yours :)
About the author
Patience Filippo is a children's author, artist, educator, and veteran with decades of classroom experience. She created the Choice Challenge: Poor to Better Decisions for Everyday Behavior to help kids and grown-ups be better humans, one better choice at a time. The Choice Challenge is the framework behind My Teacher Is Not an Octopus, a self-regulating behavior management book for early learners. Begin at birth. Grow into lifelong learning.
Motto: Empowering happiness through literacy.
Find Patience online https://linktr.ee/askmisspatience
